I'm not going to sit here and say that I'm not enjoying Thailand. But here's the brutal truth. This week has been hard. Really F-ing hard. For little or big reasons that have just felt like my walls are crumbling. Yesterday was Thanksgiving and I enjoyed the day but by the time the drinks started flowing, I hit a wall and now I can't shake it. Granted, alcohol is a depressant and holidays are hard.
I've been here for over a month, I have purchased things for my home, I bought a moped, my students and I are bonding, I have incredible people around me, but something is missing. Maybe it's a piece of home, maybe I'm not calling my mom enough. Maybe I am living in the past. Maybe I don't feel completely like myself. Whatever the case, I went into this experience knowing that it wasn't always going to be rainbows and butterflies and I knew that I didn't want to just show the good. There are a lot of emotions during a journey like this. It's been a month. The rose tinted glasses are clearing and it's time to realize that this is my new normal.
It's such a strange feeling because I am so incredibly grateful to be here and I am enjoying every minute but at the same time, I feel as though I want to curl up in a ball and never stop crying.
I think my whole point of writing this out is to show progression because I know in a few days or maybe weeks I will be almost confused how I could have ever felt like this. And this also needs to be a reminder that not everyday traveling or in a new place is going to be the best day ever.
One of my goals going into this was to listen to my heart and embrace whatever it was telling me. It's honestly terrifying to acknowledge that I'm having bad days. I can't call my friends and vent because they are asleep, I can't get comfort food from Taco Bell or take a quick ride to the beach and let the ocean take away all my problems. But I need to find my new comfort food and my new spot that makes every worry disappear. And that's going to take time and that's okay. At the end of the day, I LIVE IN THAILAND, I'm allowed to feel all of the feelings I'm having and this too shall pass.
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